Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Pointless hopes

I have this horrible habit of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed when it doesn't happen. It's not like I am riding on this one thing, but I do get relatively sad when they don't happen. Most recent example? Spending time with Mi Voluptas. We were going to ask to spend time together today after school, but she didn't get a chance, and when she did get a chance, she forgot. So we decided to ask for tomorrow. Her mom said no. In our plan, I was going to walk to her therapy appointment with her and then go home with her after. Her mom said no, but she said I should still walk with her, but the idea just.... it didn't appeal to me. She said I could get a walk home, so I would get to walk down town, sit in the waiting room for an hour, then go home. It seems pointless to me. So I told her that, and she was hurt that I wouldn't want to walk with her anyway. I do want to walk with her, I just want to go to her house afterwards. We haven't had time together since this weekend, and you all know how that worked out. Stupid Pink. We get time at school, but I am dying for some time that we can cuddle without teachers yelling at us to split up. It's like they were never teenagers, like they don't know what its like to want to be close to another person. Must be because of how cold hearted they are.

My sister has a friend over right now. That REALLY pisses me off. She is an obnoxious brat, yet the adults still let her come over all the fucking time. They are loud and they run through our tiny house yelling at the top of their fucking lungs, and I just want to beat them. Last time she was over, they both stormed into my room and started talking really loudly to Voluptas, who was on video call. I hate fucking children.

Oh, I also ran four consecutive laps on the track today. That equals a mile. I am proud of myself. Then why am I so near tears?


Monday, March 29, 2010

Pink Strikes

Remember in my last post, I mentioned a friend named Pink, who makes me feel unwelcome when I am with her and Voluptas at the same time? Well, I had a right to be worried about this weekend. From 10am on saturday to 3:15pm on Sunday, I was with Voluptas. In that time, any hug or kiss I got was snuck. We only held hands for a little bit. I felt like a fucking leper. My girlfriend wouldn't touch me. Why? Because it made Pink uncomfortable. We did not get to cuddle during the movie, as promised. The most affection I got was Sunday Morning while Voluptas was making breakfast ~she makes nommy pancakes~ and that was because Pink was asleep. I sat with her on the cot while she ate with my arm around her waist, but as soon as Pink woke up, there was just this understanding that I had to move. Voluptas and her mother were amazing, they were really nice and awesome. Pink doesn't live there, what gives her the right to make me feel so unwelcome in the house of MY girlfriend? ~Sigh~

So Youth Group Leader picked me up on Sunday from Voluptas' house for church, and he knew the instant I got into the car that something was wrong, and he wanted to know waht it was, but I couldn't tell him because it just so happens that Pink goes to the same church and was in the car. So I couldn't tell YGL. I talked to him before the service started, instead. He said it is in the Bible that if you have a grievance with someone, you have to talk to them first. So I tried to talk to her, and she basically denied all charges. So I talked to Voluptas, cause that is what YGL suggested, and she got pissed. She said she felt the same way, but she was just going to let it pass until I brought it up. She got really pissed last night. I asked her waht she was going to do, she said she was going to write Pink a note and give it to her today.

She didn't do that.

I asked her why, and she said she has decided to talk to Pink in person. I think that is a bad idea. When she talks in person, Voluptas usually forgets part of waht she had to say, and she is way too submissive. If she writes it down, she can make sure everything is there, and she can't back down. But she doesn't think a note will get the tone of waht she is saying. Still, I think this is a bad idea. I read Voluptas' cards ~tarot cards~ this morning, but she was skeptic and I don't think she really took any of it to heart. She said she already knew everything the cards told her. ~Sigh~. I just want to get this confrontation out of the way. Instead, Voluptas is pretending to be friendly with Pink. Ok, if she is going to talk in person, I want to know WHEN. I hate all of this. Pink is a very selfish person, and it pisses me off.

This is getting long, but I do have more to say. Thank you for still reading lol.

Last night, as I said, I talked to YGL about all of this. After that, I felt like I was going to cry. So I went in, and Midget said she needed some air, so I offered to go with her. Midget and I used to be close, but lately we have been fighting, or not talking at all, because I disagreed with one of her decisions. It's a huge thing that takes getting used to. But we started talking and walking. We ended up going to Rite Aid ~It was freezing outside, and the Rite Aid is right by the church~ and just doing laps around the inside perimeter of the Rite Aid. One of the salespeople asks if he can help us find anything, and we said we actually didn't have any money. He asked if he had to worry about us robbing him. He was a cool guy :P He asked if Midget and I were dating cause we held hands. Tis fun messing with people. ANYWAY, the bottom line is that Midget and I talked about EVERYTHING~ her issues, my issues, and OUR issues. We basically solved everything that was going on between us. I think it's good that we talked, and we both needed it, and we both needed each other.

God works miracle <3

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Miracles come with consequences

The unthinkable has happened. I knew Voluptas' mother was lightening up, but she has really gone above and beyond. How? I shall tell you :P

On Saturday, me and three friends are going to Voluptas' house to help them do yard work. Lunch is provided ~its like out pay~ and two of the friends are spending the night. Scratch that, three friends! And I am one of them! Thats right, I am spending the night at the house of Mi Voluptas! I am sleeping in the living room with another friend, while Voluptas and yet another friend sleep in her room. That will torture me, I can already tell. To be in the same house but unable to sleep in her arms? It makes me sad :(

But in the title, I mentioned consequences. What is the consequence? Well, I am worried. I'm always worried. As I mentioned earlier, one of the friends will be sleeping in the same room as Voluptas. Let's call her Pink. Pink does not like me. She thinks I am stealing Voluptas from her. Whenever I am with Voluptas and Pink at the same time, I feel unwelcome. I am very tuned in to other peoples emotions, and her hatred doesn't sit right with me. But because of this, I will feel uncomfortable being with Voluptas all weekend~ which is HORRIBLE~ I will feel like every time we hold hands, we are being watched and judged. Every time we kiss. Cuddle. Show affection. It's miserable. But I am not passing up this chance. Even if I cannot sleep in Voluptas' arms, I will be with her late into the night and in the morning. I am not giving that up. Still, though, it has me put off. And Voluptas is fantastically good at reading my emotions, so she will be able to see that right away *sigh* Why can't we all just get along? ~Totally just thought of the girl from Mean Girls who wants everyone to get along and doesn't even go to that school~


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The way things work

It's funny that the more time you spend with someone, the harder it is to be apart. I mean, think about it. You spend an entire day with them, but going home is still harder then shoving a needle through your hand. But it's not everyone. It's not even most people. For me, it's one person. All my friends, I will spend a day or two with them, and then be ready for some alone time. Voluptas is different. I mean, obviously. You are probably all thinking I am stating the obvious, and I probably am. But I find it amazing and painful. As I believe I have said, Voluptas' mother is giving us more time. Which is fantastic! This past saturday, I spent from 2 to 8 with my darling Voluptas. And we had a fun time, we went to dairy queen, then barnes n' nobles, then walmart, then hannaford, then back to her house. Yet I still miss her so much when I'm not with her- like right now. Sigh~

You probably don't want/need any more lovesick babble, so I will spare you for now. What else is going on? Oh, I know! Drama! Big surprise! My Brother (by love, not blood) decided to date this chick. I don't have a nickname for her, so we can call her Bitch. They dated for about a week, at least that's waht it felt like, then broke up, thank goodness. Bitch hates like half of the people in our group, yet she keeps coming back. She posts stuff online about how she has to detatch from the group, she hates us all so much. But she keeps coming back!! It makes me so angry. But I just ignore her, cause I'm the bigger person like that. I really hate being a part of all this drama. I am happy, and I don't want them ruining it.

I don't know who is reading this, and I don't know who cares, but for those of you that are and do, I would like you all to know that I have been eating well, if not too much. I made a cheesecake on friday, so I have been nomming on cheesecake all weekend. It's finally all gone, but I still have the munchies. I ate lunch, so I am trying not to munch, and I plan on eating dinner. Are you proud of me?


Friday, March 19, 2010

Mental exhaustion

TGIF!! I need a day where I can actually sleep in and just relax. Hopefully I am going to Voluptas tomorrow, though her mom hasn't actually given the okay yet. But the idea is up for discussion, and we will either know tonight or tomorrow morning. Then Voluptas and I wanna make a cheesecake if her mom will let us :P She probably thinks I will make the kitchen explode or something xD that is more Red's area of expertise then mine. I can actually cook, believe it or not.

So that is tomorrow and tomorrow sounds good. Today, however, wasn't so fantastic. I don't know what is going on, but lately, I have my ups and downs, but my ups rarely ever classify as "happy". Lots of my friends try to talk to me, but I really couldn't care less about anything they have to say. It just doesn't matter. There are only two times when I am happy, that I notice; when I am with, or at least talking to, Voluptas, and when I am running. I run a lot, and I'm proud of it. But anyway, today was one of my down days. But when Voluptas asked what was wrong, I didn't want to tell her. Why not? Well, for one, I am tired of dumping my problems on her. She is constantly worrying about me, and I hate it. For another, whenever we talk about my problems, she gets frustrated and angry. She says it's not at me, but it's me that causes it, and I hate that. So, I tell her and she gets angry. Then, I don't tell her, and she still gets angry. It's like there is no win. I hate seeing her upset. I hate being the cause of her anger.

So I told her all of that, we talked about it, and I hope we have found a solution that works. She said she wants to know everything, no matter what. So I am going to tell her everything. But I've decided that it's not worth it. If I don't eat in an attempt to lose weight, we fight, and I HATE fighting with Mi Voluptas. So what is the solution to that? Simple. I smarten up and start eating. Because I would rather be slightly over weight then fighting with the one person who actually cares about me. It sure doesn't seem like anyone else does.

Smartly yours,

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bipolar Day

So this morning was fun, then from geometry to like halfway through health ~geometry is first period, health is last~ I was a wreck. I have never felt so insane. I jiggled my leg nonstop, and stared into space with bugging eyes, and I had no control over it. When I moved, it was in sudden, jerky motions. I did not pay attention in any of my classes except health ~I actually enjoy health- call me crazy, I can prove it~

Do you have that one song that just.... gets to you? It really makes you think, or it brings you down dramatically, even if you were really happy? I do. It's called Sophie, by Eleanor Mcevoy. I really like this song, it is a good song, but it has a scary effect on me. It's about this girl named Sophie ~duh~ who is anorexic. She isn't trying to fight it, and it's tearing her family apart. Whenever I am really down about my image, I listen to Sophie. It doesn't help, but I do it anyway.

Recently, I had a real heart to heart with Voluptas about my eating habits. I told her EVERYTHING ~stuff I won't actually go into here, but it was not fun~ Voluptas said that if I don't fix this in a month, she is going to tell someone, an adult that will take charge. That means I have a month to start thinking of myself as naturally beautiful, a month to get used to eating at least two meals a day, a month to stop obsessing about exercise. Can I do it? I really don't know. Yesterday, I ate lunch, and dinner, and a bit of a snack.... then I felt like a pig. Today, I ate dinner, a really tiny desert, and some soda.... then I felt like a pig. I swear, I have three voices in my head. I have me, the innocent bystander. I have Part 1. That part is pro food. Then I have Part 2. That part is anti food. So Parts 1 and 2 are squabbling inside my head while the Me part is being manipulated and really doesn't know what side to listen to. Part 2 seems louder. It's scary. *sigh*

But like I said, today wasn't all bad. It was a bipolar day. All day I was CRAVING chocolate chip pancakes ~One part of being constantly hungry is that EVERYTHING looks appealing, and you get REALLY random cravings~ so at the end of the day, I texted my dad and said "If you buy chocolate chips, I will make dinner for me and my sister" I ended up just making them for myself, but they were soooo nommy! ~Nommy is my official word for yummy. It comes from the root word "om nom nom" which translates directly into Engish as "chomp chomp chomp"~ So I got to make pancakes! I loaded them with chocolate chips, and they were really good, but I fail at flipping them. I just need more practice :D Then I got to make gaufrettes :D They are these waffle shaped cookie things that I made for school. They were fun and easy and they taste good. I got to make them in the waffle maker :D

So, school hours sucked, but that doesn't mean the whole day sucked. I really wish my sister got that concept. ONE bad thing does not mean your ENTIRE day was horrible. Sheesh.

Piggily yours,

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The po-po shut us down

For all those of you who aren't with it, Po-Po means police :P And they were called on us. Wanna know the whole story? Well whether you do or not, I am gonna tell it, cause it is funny like taht :P

Ok, me and 7 of my friends were at a friends birthday party, and we decided to play hide and seek in the cemetery near his house. It's this huge cemetery, and we were having tons of fun. Me and one of the others was all ninja like, and we were the last ones found. On the last round, I was hiding between these two huge trees, and I was in just a tank top cause my sweater was teal and would give me away. So, it hurt. I was texting one of my friends who I could see hiding behind a gravestone somewhere else but she couldn't see me, and she said that the police was talking to our friends, and then I got a text from one of the friends telling me to come out cause we had to leave. Apparently, we had mouthed off to the grounds keepers, and apparently they asked us to leave but we didn't. However, none of that is true. The groundskeepers did speak to us, but it was just to tell us not to sit on the gravestones cause it wasn't safe, and we said ok. That was all. They never asked us to leave. But oh well, looking back, it's hilarious that we got kicked out of a cemetery for playing hide and seek :P


Wednesday, March 10, 2010


That is not a happy sigh, not at all. I have two things directly on my mind, but maybe by the end of this there will be more. Who knows? Let's get to it.

Today, at 4, Mi Voluptas and I had to make ribbons for civil rights team ~we sell them on hat days~ but that gave us two hours of free time to kill. So we walked over to the Boys and Girls Club ~we both volunteered there over the summer and decided to visit our awesome boss~ While we were there, Voluptas let slip that I hadn't been eating right. We will call the boss Nezzy. Nezzy got really concerned, and she asked me why I had been "starving myself" ~which I denied even though it is basically true~ I told Nezzy that I have been running a lot and not eating enough, and before I could leave she made me at a burger, and it was one big ass burger! So I had a burger then went over to the school for ribbon making, where we had candy, because this particular teacher always has candy. She is just like that. Anyway, the meeting ended and I got home at 6. Because I had pigged out on a burger and candy, I had every intention of running for a few dozen miles when my step mom ~I forget waht her nickname was......~ informed that I was "becoming feral" and so I cannot run tonight. Tonight I am to stay in with her. And then she told me dinner would be at 7 ~which is funny cause it is 7:46 and we haven't had dinner yet~ and I told her I wasn't hungry, because I had that burger and candy and whatnot. She gave me this really intense look ~which she is madly good at~ and told me that I am not skipping another meal. So in one conversation, she took away my exercise, and forced me to stuff my face. Yet I am not mad at her.....

I texted my dad during ribbon making and we talked about Step Madre and how she is so restricting and mean towards my friends yet so accepting towards Red's. I don't think a solution was reached.

Another thing on my mind is that Voluptas is fighting with her "best friend" ~idk if she has a nickname. Let's call her Autumn~ Autumn is mad at Voluptas because she ~Voluptas~ is ignoring her ~Autumn~ for me and spending more time with me then she spends with her. Until recently, Voluptas and Autumn were basically inseparable, and I was lucky if I got any time with her. That was partly because of how much time they spent together, and partly because of Voluptas' mother, who doesn't/didn't like me. But her mom very suddenly started easing up, and so I spent a few hours at her house this past saturday, and she came over for a while on monday, and while be over for awhile tomorrow. But Voluptas' mother noticed that her and Autumn were having some issues, so she called Autumn, who gave her a sob story, and is basically forcing Voluptas to work things out. It angers me so much that she is interfering like that, but I can't really do anything about it. Oh well.

I'm REALLY tired.....

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Omnomnom Sexy Cake

So today is my mom's birthday, and she is turning ancient-er. Me and her have had our issues, but I decided to spend the day with her and two of my siblings anyway. So, for her, I made dinner, which was a shrimp casserole. It was delicious!! There no leftovers, which is good :) My brother has a second helping, which is like a praise to the chef, which was me and my twin sister. For dessert my sister ~and kinda me, but mostly her~ made a cherry chocolate cake with home made cherry chocolate frosting. We decorated it with confectioners sugar, cherries, and chocolate chips, and seriously, this cake looked seriously amazing ~I say looked cause it's half gone now...... yum~ So me, my mom, and my sister were sitting at the table eating cake and whatnot, and there is just a little bit of milk left in the carton, so I decided to drink it from there instead of pouring it into the glass. My mom saw this, and apparently didn't like it, because she told Twin "Ok, we can take her home now." But she said this just as my mouth was FILLED with milk, which just made it sooo much more funny. So, I started laughing. What happens when you laugh with milk in your mouth? No, it didn't come out my nose. But it would have if I didn't spit it out, which is exactly what I did. All over the floor. Which made the situation even funnier. Then my throat hurt and I started caughing. Totally worth it.

Other news... I believe I have mentioned that Voluptas' mother is rather strict with us. But guess where I was yesterday! I was with her, at her house, for four and a half hour. I probably would have been there later, but Voluptas had somewhere to be at 5, so her mom took me home. So I thought, ok, I am going to be downstairs with her and her mom and it will awkward. But no, her mom stayed in the living room the entire time while Voluptas and I were alone, in her room, for four and a half hours. The door was open, but that really didn't matter because everyone else was downstairs. We watched movies, and, well, it was a very very fun four and a half hours. And she will hopefully be coming over for a little while, just an hour and a half, tomorrow after school, but it's better then nothing. My parents have said ok, she just needs to ask her mom. Fingers crossed :)


Friday, March 5, 2010

Stupid Corazon

So, I just had a long and serious conversation with Voluptas about my eating habits. Lately, I have been eating more, like I said. I went from one meal a day to two. Pretty good, right? Yay, are you proud? I'm not. I feel fat (Buggy will probably smack me for how utterly stupid I'm being). Today, I didn't eat lunch, but I have been snacking on chips and soda since 3-ish (It's 9:42 right now). I feel so utterly out of control, I feel like my willpower was shot. How did I used to act? I used to eat one meal a day, and then I kept it small, and I ran a lot, and even did some crunches. I knew it was dangerous, but I didn't care. I also feel like I have said all of this before, so I'll cut to the chase ~What is the chase? I don't even know anymore~ But I believe I have told you readers here that I weight 168lbs. The nurse told me not to weigh myself obsessively, but who listens to the nurse? The scale isn't in her room, I can weigh myself as much as I want when I'm at school. So, it's the weekend, but come next week, I will probably want to weigh myself again. What if I gained? I don't know what I'll do.

But here is my mind set; I have that part of me above that thinks I need improvement and yells at me for every morsel of yum I put into my mouth. But there is another part of me ~I like this part more~ that will look in the mirror and think "Hey, you aren't half bad." I weigh 168 at 5"5. That's overweight, but not drastically. It's AVERAGE ~the fact that overweight is average for our generation is kinda sad, but facts are facts~ And just looking around my friend group alone, I can name at least four people off the top of my head who weigh more then me. And don't even get me started on the rest of the school. Stand at one end of the hallway and look down, at least half of the people are larger then I am. And I know this is absolutely horrible, but seeing them overweight makes me feel better about myself. It's a "Well, I'm not great, but I could be a hell of a lot worse" type of deal. I know that makes me a horrible person, and I shouldn't compare myself to others, etc. etc. Oh well. This is my blog, if I don't write what I feel, what's the point?

Yours, fat or thin,

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Welcome to the newest addition of the family!

So technically, this is two days late, and the only reason for that is because I am lazy. But yes, our family has gotten larger (in a very tiny way) with the addition of Flora, our new, teeny, itty, bitty, Boston Terrier puppy! She chews on everything, is very curious, and very clumsy. She took to the family immediately, even our huge Newfoundland. She is very very adorable~

Also, I have gone to eating about two meals a day, so be proud :P

As always,

Monday, March 1, 2010

Worries and Rants

Last night I left church early to go to the emergency room. Why? My friend was in immense pain, and there was no way I was leaving her side. We had to wait for her mom to get to church, then we had to wait in the waiting room. It was agonizing. Her mom, her sister, her dad, her boyfriend, and me were all there. They thought it might be her appendix, but a CT scan came back negative. Actually, a CT scan came back negative for everything. We have no idea what is causing her pain. So I spent the night at her place, thus skipping school, but I couldn't care less about that. I just want to know what's wrong with her.

Ok, the rant! Well, I never get time outside of school or church with Mi Voluptas. Today, suddenly, her mom, who is the reason we get no time together, made a suggestion that gives us a few more hours together. She suggested Voluptas walk to my house after school to wait for her there, instead of waiting at the school. Because that is beyond perfect, I asked my step mom, who is usually pretty lenient. She said no. Why? Because she doesn't like mi Voluptas, she thinks she is mentally ill, she doesn't want another "project", she doesn't know her, she doesn't want us unsupervised........ There is so much wrong with that.
1. She doesn't like her. She barely knows her! And so waht if SHE doesn't like her, Mi Voluptas makes me happy. That should matter at least a little.
2. She thinks she is mentally ill. True, Voluptas used to hurt herself, but so did I. Hell, I did it more recently! Does she forget that I went to a crisis home for three days? She works with mentally ill people daily! So why does she shun the one girl that matters?
3. "Project". That just makes me angry. She says her current "Project" is Red's friend B. B is bulimic, has serious self esteem issues, and dates drunks/ druggies. Voluptas USED to cut herself. How come Red's friend's are more important then mine?
4. She doesn't know her. Red, the whore of the family, has a new bf. They have been dating a little over two weeks, and he came over this past saturday. She didn't know him, either. And he is one of those that gets drunk. Fantastic.
5. She doesn't want us unsupervised. Remember Red's boyfriend that came over? They were in our room (Red and I share a room) with the door closed, while my parents took a nap. How come they don't need supervision? Red could actually get pregnant. AND, on the first day they started dating. she came home COVERED in hickeys, and when he left yesterday, she had two hickeys on her boobs. Voluptas and I have been dating for 9 months, and we didn't do anything that would leave a hickey until month 5.

So, as you can see, that is quite fucked up.
Your truyl,