Thursday, April 22, 2010


I'm lonely. I've been with people all week, and now it is just me and step madre, and she has shut herself in her room. And my phone chooses now of all times to break. It won't even turn on. Why is this bad? Well, for one, if I'm lonely, I can text someone. For wo, mi Voluptas is up north with some family, and she promised to call me every day. But now she will be directed to voicemail every time. And it is very sad.

I HATE being alone. I've cried twice, and it's only been an hour.


Monday, April 12, 2010


Today, I ate lunch. I had a chicken salad sandwhich on wheat bread, and a mountain dew. It's really not that much, but before I was even halfway through, I started thinking "I can't eat this. It's loaded with fat. This is disgusting. Imagine the calories!" The voices in my head telling me that WOULD NOT STOP. I was edgy, I was jumpy, I was bitchy, but they would not stop. Eventually, I just got up and left the table, without any warning. I could not stay in the cafeteria. The food was torturing me. All third period, I wanted to go to a bathroom and look at my belly. It felt huge. I felt like a pig. I started writing in this notebook I carry around, everywhere, all the negative thoughts I was thinking. They were taking control. I almost snapped.

I probably mentioned that Voluptas wanted to tell the health teacher. Why him? Because 1. he is the health teacher, 2. He's an asshole, but I trust him. He gives me a world of crap, but I KNOW he cares. It's just a gut feeling. So, Voluptas and I decided to talk to him tomorrow morning. We decided that 2nd period. That was before I ate, and before the voices tortured me.

I saw him ~We shall call him Dr. D. cause he is cool like that~ Between third and fourth period, and I asked if he was going to stick around after school, because I needed to talk to him. Voluptas didn't know that I made that arrangement, but after school, I told her it was time to talk to him, because I just couldn't do this for another day. So, I told Dr. D. everything.

The conversation went something like this: I started it by saying "I've been kind of stupid lately...." ~At this point, my voice was ALREADY shaking. He asked what I did.....~ "I've lost 19 pounds by starving myself." ~Dr. D. then proceeds to tell me that he's noticed I was losing weight, he's not stupid, have I not been paying attention in health class, and, the most important question, why am I doing this to myself?~ I couldn't explain it. I told him about the voices in my head that yell at me, and he told me to yell louder, and I told him I couldn't. Yes, I was crying. We talked for awhile. He told me I wasn't the first person who had done this, and he can go visit those other people at their nice little gravestones. He said he didn't want the VP to give him a call and say I was in the hospital. He told me he gave me so much crap because of how much he cares about me, and he loves me like one of his own. He then asked me to keep a food log of everything I ate, when I ate it, and if I knew, how many calories. He wants me to do that for 2 weeks, to start with, and he also gave one to Voluptas (Who I thought would do most of the talking but ended up just sitting there unless Dr. D. asked her a question). Of course, she doesn't actually have a problem (except for how much junk food she eats) so idk why Dr. D. gave her one, too. Before I left, he gave me a hug and told me how important it was that I get those stupid voices out of my head.

Talking to him was INCREDIBLY helpful. It feels really good having an adult who knows about the situation and is able to think rationally.

Happily yours


It's 5:39am, and I am awake. I leave for school at 6, so I don't have much to go, but I'm bored. I woke up at 10:30, then again at 11:30. Why? Because my stomach was killing me. And I am very scared. I've been feeling very sick lately, all the time. I feel like I have this pressure surrounding my brain, or I feel dizzy or nauseous. Yesterday, all I ate was one manicotti, 230 calories, until around 8 when I had a piece of pot pie, which jumped it to 714 calories. Then I went to bed.... and at 11:30, my stomach started screaming in pain. This is why I'm scared, because this is the second time this has happened. On friday, I didn't eat anything until a bowl of mac and cheese, and it also made my stomach hurt. I'm afraid my body is rejecting food. Which is very very bad.

Voluptas says if we don't talk to someone, she is going to tell my parents. But I can't do this to them. I have already put them through so much grief it's unbelievable. I made them worry the most, and I am not worth it. So I can't let her tell them. The person we are going to talk to... sometimes he can be an asshole, but I actually think he's a good person and a good choice. He's one of the teachers at our school that almost no one likes because of how often he makes fun of students, and I am often one of those that he makes fun of. It's all harmless, except when he gets me on a bad day. But if he is such an ass, why are we going to talk to him? Because I think he cares. I might be wrong, but I think he cares.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

Good news or bad news?

So this blog could post good stuff, bad stuff, or a bit of both. For the lack of a thorough update, I will give you both. Now the question is, would you like the good news first, or the bad news? I think ending on a happy note is a good idea, so I will give bad first.

Yesterday, I was with Mi Voluptas after school until around 8:45-9 ish. I had no breakfast, I had no lunch. We were cuddling in her room watching an anime show called Neon Genesis Evangelion ~Which is good and I very much recommend it~ when I started feeling a tad bit nauseous. So anyway, I can't remember why ~probably cause I had to pee~ we went downstairs, and so she went to the kitchen to get herself some ice cream, and I was feeling pretty dizzy. So I told her I was hungry, she asked what I wanted..... honestly, I wanted a spaghetti dinner or manicotti or something, but I wasn't about to ask her to make that. But I could not make up my mind, because I hadn't eaten in 27 hours so it ALL looked appetizing. In the end she made me mac and cheese with velvetta cheese ~or something like that~. This little box had three servings, and each serving had 360 calories. I didn't want to eat it. While it was cooking, I had a REALLY bad nausea spell. I never puke, and I knew I wasn't going to, but I felt so ill. I was scared. But it passed, I ate, and me and mi voluptas went back upstairs, and while we were there, we talked about all of this. I cried, so did she. I said how scared I was, how I didn't know waht to do. We prayed. Crying always exhausts me, so we put in Lion King 2 and cuddled down. I was really tired, and she told me to sleep, but I didn't want to fall asleep just to wake up in a little while to go home. I don't like home right now, it's not a good place. I feel unwelcome by my step mom, me and my dad barely ever talk, me and my sisters fight. Step madre has taken down everything on the refrigerator and the walls, so it looks incredibly white, and it just doesn't feel homey without it. So when mama v said it was time to go, I cried, because I don't feel welcome here.
Thursday, I went to run, and before I left, step madre asked if I would want any manicotti when I got back (which sounded really good) but I told her probably not. She gave me this look and said "I'm not impressed with this whole fasting thing." And I said "I'm not fasting, I'm just not hungry." And she said "You will eat something tonight." "Ok." And then I left. If she wants me to eat, she should really try the whole "we care about you and want you to be healthy" rout instead of the whole "I'm not impressed" rout.
Another thing, lately, I have been counting the calories I take in using CalorieKing online. I burn at least 704 a morning when I run a mile with mi voluptas, and in order to lose weight, I need to burn 500 more calories a day then waht I take in. BUt I will get back to that later.

Now to the good news. Today was AWESOME. For one, I got dressed, looked in the mirror.... and I looked good. I was so happy with my appearance!! I looked THIN! Not thin enough, but thin enough for now. At 11, I went minigolfing with YGL, Midget, Voluptas, and Person ~Person is a member of the youth group who I do not feel like designating with a nickname~ and it was so much fun :D We decided not to keep score, and according to person if you don't keep score, it means cheating isn't technically cheating, and so she did not cheat, even though she totally did. As did the rest of us. It was very amusing, and we laughed so much my diaphragm hurt :P But the thing about the minigolf course, is that it is at an ice cream joint, and after playing, YGL treated us all to ice cream. And I ate some. And I enjoyed it, it was very nommy. I got a medium cyclone with chocolate-peanut butter swirl ice cream, reeses cups, cheesecakes, fudge brownie, and somethign crunchy in it lol. It was very very nommy, and I enjoyed it. And I felt good about myself. And I was having a splendid time. That was the first ice cream I have had in a very long time. So afterwards, YGL dropped off mi voluptas and I at the park and we hung out at town until 2. Then she walked me to CeCe's house cause I was babysitting with her, and then she walked home. I had fun. Me and CeCe babysat from 2:30-8, I made ten dollars, and the kid was amazing and so adorable. We watched two Ghibli films ~The Cat Returns and Kiki's Delivery Service~ and we ate pizza for dinner. She bullied me into a second piece. And I also had assorted nuts and 5 jelly beans.

So I ate a lot of junk food today. After counting it up on calorieking....... 1897 calories. That is too fucking much. I feel like a fucking pig.

So much for ending on a happy note....

~P.S. Sorry it's so long and paragraphy :P

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Fattening me up to eat me

That is waht my family is doing, I swear. I walked through the door today and what did I see? Two cakes (neither of which are chocolate) and two boxes of cookies (one of which is chocolate). I do not know why we buy stuff like this. Step Madre can't even eat it, it's bad for Dad, Sarah does not need that much sugar. It's like they are specifically trying to fatten me up. They notice I eat less and so they tempt me with unhealthy food! Right now, in the house, we have those cakes, those cookies, ice cream, AND nutella. But I haven't touched any of it, not today anyway. I had a spoonful of Nutella last night. See waht they are doing to me? I feel like such a pig!

BUT I ran a mile and a half before school this morning :D So I am feeling good because I ran and because I have not touched the junk food she ~Step Madre~ laid out so temptingly. I didn't eat lunch either. I was in the library finishing an essay. Voluptas doesn't know that. I don't know if I will tell her if she asks. I am tempted to lie to her. I HATE lying to her, but I have been eating like a pig lately. On Saturday, Voluptas and Mama V kidnapped me for Dairy Queen, on Sunday my sister brought brittle over that she had made and I had chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, yesterday I had the nutella.... and that's just the junk food. Not even counting the actual meal food I've had. And at 6:30 tonight there is a civil rights meeting, and the advisor for that always lays out a whole bunch of candy, so that will tempt me. But I am not going to take any. I can't. I can't.

So there you have it

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Good days do occure :)

So saturdays are basically the days that I aim to spend with Voluptas. Yesterday we were gonna meet at the park and just hang out for a bit. So I am walking and she drives by and says "Get in the car" and she goes around to sit in back with me. That was not a part of the plan. They ~she and her mom~ inform me that they are kidnapping me, and we are going to Dairy Queen. Like I'm gonna argue with that plan :P Afterwards, her mom takes us to an elementary school with playground equipment and leaves us there for a bit. We wrestle, I win :) As always.

We didn't know waht we were going to do for the remainder of the day. The original plan was to go to Bath to visit her grandparents, but that didn't happen for a number of reasons. Which is sad, because I haven't met them before, but they know about me and they are accepting. Oh well, another time, I'm sure :) So instead we went back to Mi Voluptas' house and played a an x-box game, me and her and her mom. We played Lips, which is a singing game. I failed xD Then we went upstairs to watch movies in her room. First we watched Shrek, then Lion King 2..... then they asked if I wanted to stay the night.

What?? Where did that come from??

Apparently, Mama V (that is officially her nickname. Stands for Mama of Voluptas) had told Voluptas that it was getting near that time to take me home, and Voluptas ~jokingly~ asked if I could stay the night. Well, Mama V decided to take it seriously..... and said yes!! So we called my dad and he said yes, too, because he rocks like that. I slept in the living room, on a cot. It wasn't all that comfy and I woke up way too early, but that's ok because Mama V said it was ok for me to wake up Voluptas, and I woke her up.... by crawling into her nice warm bed with her. We stayed like that for about an hour, and I almost fell asleep again. It was so good being in her bed, which was already warmed by her body heat, pressed up against her. It was so perfect.

Last night we stayed up late watching movies in her bed, and at one point she did fall asleep in my arms. She was on her back hugging one of my arms, and every now and then, she would twitch in her sleep, and her grip on my arm would tighten, or her leg would brush mine. She was so adorable. I miss her. I cannot wait until I can actually sleep in her bed with her for the entire night.

Happily yours,

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Pointless hopes

I have this horrible habit of getting my hopes up and then getting disappointed when it doesn't happen. It's not like I am riding on this one thing, but I do get relatively sad when they don't happen. Most recent example? Spending time with Mi Voluptas. We were going to ask to spend time together today after school, but she didn't get a chance, and when she did get a chance, she forgot. So we decided to ask for tomorrow. Her mom said no. In our plan, I was going to walk to her therapy appointment with her and then go home with her after. Her mom said no, but she said I should still walk with her, but the idea just.... it didn't appeal to me. She said I could get a walk home, so I would get to walk down town, sit in the waiting room for an hour, then go home. It seems pointless to me. So I told her that, and she was hurt that I wouldn't want to walk with her anyway. I do want to walk with her, I just want to go to her house afterwards. We haven't had time together since this weekend, and you all know how that worked out. Stupid Pink. We get time at school, but I am dying for some time that we can cuddle without teachers yelling at us to split up. It's like they were never teenagers, like they don't know what its like to want to be close to another person. Must be because of how cold hearted they are.

My sister has a friend over right now. That REALLY pisses me off. She is an obnoxious brat, yet the adults still let her come over all the fucking time. They are loud and they run through our tiny house yelling at the top of their fucking lungs, and I just want to beat them. Last time she was over, they both stormed into my room and started talking really loudly to Voluptas, who was on video call. I hate fucking children.

Oh, I also ran four consecutive laps on the track today. That equals a mile. I am proud of myself. Then why am I so near tears?