Saturday, April 10, 2010

Good news or bad news?

So this blog could post good stuff, bad stuff, or a bit of both. For the lack of a thorough update, I will give you both. Now the question is, would you like the good news first, or the bad news? I think ending on a happy note is a good idea, so I will give bad first.

Yesterday, I was with Mi Voluptas after school until around 8:45-9 ish. I had no breakfast, I had no lunch. We were cuddling in her room watching an anime show called Neon Genesis Evangelion ~Which is good and I very much recommend it~ when I started feeling a tad bit nauseous. So anyway, I can't remember why ~probably cause I had to pee~ we went downstairs, and so she went to the kitchen to get herself some ice cream, and I was feeling pretty dizzy. So I told her I was hungry, she asked what I wanted..... honestly, I wanted a spaghetti dinner or manicotti or something, but I wasn't about to ask her to make that. But I could not make up my mind, because I hadn't eaten in 27 hours so it ALL looked appetizing. In the end she made me mac and cheese with velvetta cheese ~or something like that~. This little box had three servings, and each serving had 360 calories. I didn't want to eat it. While it was cooking, I had a REALLY bad nausea spell. I never puke, and I knew I wasn't going to, but I felt so ill. I was scared. But it passed, I ate, and me and mi voluptas went back upstairs, and while we were there, we talked about all of this. I cried, so did she. I said how scared I was, how I didn't know waht to do. We prayed. Crying always exhausts me, so we put in Lion King 2 and cuddled down. I was really tired, and she told me to sleep, but I didn't want to fall asleep just to wake up in a little while to go home. I don't like home right now, it's not a good place. I feel unwelcome by my step mom, me and my dad barely ever talk, me and my sisters fight. Step madre has taken down everything on the refrigerator and the walls, so it looks incredibly white, and it just doesn't feel homey without it. So when mama v said it was time to go, I cried, because I don't feel welcome here.
Thursday, I went to run, and before I left, step madre asked if I would want any manicotti when I got back (which sounded really good) but I told her probably not. She gave me this look and said "I'm not impressed with this whole fasting thing." And I said "I'm not fasting, I'm just not hungry." And she said "You will eat something tonight." "Ok." And then I left. If she wants me to eat, she should really try the whole "we care about you and want you to be healthy" rout instead of the whole "I'm not impressed" rout.
Another thing, lately, I have been counting the calories I take in using CalorieKing online. I burn at least 704 a morning when I run a mile with mi voluptas, and in order to lose weight, I need to burn 500 more calories a day then waht I take in. BUt I will get back to that later.

Now to the good news. Today was AWESOME. For one, I got dressed, looked in the mirror.... and I looked good. I was so happy with my appearance!! I looked THIN! Not thin enough, but thin enough for now. At 11, I went minigolfing with YGL, Midget, Voluptas, and Person ~Person is a member of the youth group who I do not feel like designating with a nickname~ and it was so much fun :D We decided not to keep score, and according to person if you don't keep score, it means cheating isn't technically cheating, and so she did not cheat, even though she totally did. As did the rest of us. It was very amusing, and we laughed so much my diaphragm hurt :P But the thing about the minigolf course, is that it is at an ice cream joint, and after playing, YGL treated us all to ice cream. And I ate some. And I enjoyed it, it was very nommy. I got a medium cyclone with chocolate-peanut butter swirl ice cream, reeses cups, cheesecakes, fudge brownie, and somethign crunchy in it lol. It was very very nommy, and I enjoyed it. And I felt good about myself. And I was having a splendid time. That was the first ice cream I have had in a very long time. So afterwards, YGL dropped off mi voluptas and I at the park and we hung out at town until 2. Then she walked me to CeCe's house cause I was babysitting with her, and then she walked home. I had fun. Me and CeCe babysat from 2:30-8, I made ten dollars, and the kid was amazing and so adorable. We watched two Ghibli films ~The Cat Returns and Kiki's Delivery Service~ and we ate pizza for dinner. She bullied me into a second piece. And I also had assorted nuts and 5 jelly beans.

So I ate a lot of junk food today. After counting it up on calorieking....... 1897 calories. That is too fucking much. I feel like a fucking pig.

So much for ending on a happy note....

~P.S. Sorry it's so long and paragraphy :P

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