Today, I ate lunch. I had a chicken salad sandwhich on wheat bread, and a mountain dew. It's really not that much, but before I was even halfway through, I started thinking "I can't eat this. It's loaded with fat. This is disgusting. Imagine the calories!" The voices in my head telling me that WOULD NOT STOP. I was edgy, I was jumpy, I was bitchy, but they would not stop. Eventually, I just got up and left the table, without any warning. I could not stay in the cafeteria. The food was torturing me. All third period, I wanted to go to a bathroom and look at my belly. It felt huge. I felt like a pig. I started writing in this notebook I carry around, everywhere, all the negative thoughts I was thinking. They were taking control. I almost snapped.
I probably mentioned that Voluptas wanted to tell the health teacher. Why him? Because 1. he is the health teacher, 2. He's an asshole, but I trust him. He gives me a world of crap, but I KNOW he cares. It's just a gut feeling. So, Voluptas and I decided to talk to him tomorrow morning. We decided that 2nd period. That was before I ate, and before the voices tortured me.
I saw him ~We shall call him Dr. D. cause he is cool like that~ Between third and fourth period, and I asked if he was going to stick around after school, because I needed to talk to him. Voluptas didn't know that I made that arrangement, but after school, I told her it was time to talk to him, because I just couldn't do this for another day. So, I told Dr. D. everything.
The conversation went something like this: I started it by saying "I've been kind of stupid lately...." ~At this point, my voice was ALREADY shaking. He asked what I did.....~ "I've lost 19 pounds by starving myself." ~Dr. D. then proceeds to tell me that he's noticed I was losing weight, he's not stupid, have I not been paying attention in health class, and, the most important question, why am I doing this to myself?~ I couldn't explain it. I told him about the voices in my head that yell at me, and he told me to yell louder, and I told him I couldn't. Yes, I was crying. We talked for awhile. He told me I wasn't the first person who had done this, and he can go visit those other people at their nice little gravestones. He said he didn't want the VP to give him a call and say I was in the hospital. He told me he gave me so much crap because of how much he cares about me, and he loves me like one of his own. He then asked me to keep a food log of everything I ate, when I ate it, and if I knew, how many calories. He wants me to do that for 2 weeks, to start with, and he also gave one to Voluptas (Who I thought would do most of the talking but ended up just sitting there unless Dr. D. asked her a question). Of course, she doesn't actually have a problem (except for how much junk food she eats) so idk why Dr. D. gave her one, too. Before I left, he gave me a hug and told me how important it was that I get those stupid voices out of my head.
Talking to him was INCREDIBLY helpful. It feels really good having an adult who knows about the situation and is able to think rationally.